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  • Writer's pictureCrystal Marshall

'I know what you did last summer'....

Updated: Nov 13, 2018


This summer I went on a sailing trip with the 'Ellen McArthur Cancer Trust' ⛵. It was the first trip I'd went on since my operation (and with my new face) so you could imagine how much I was freaking the hell out about what other peoples reactions were going to be like, but if I'm being honest, I don't know why I worried so much, because it was honestly one of the best summer's of my life.





The funny thing is, I wasn't even thinking of going on this trip in the first place. In fact, for months I had stated I didn't want to go, but when it gets to the point when your mom, family, friends and even the social worker are all 'encouraging' you to go because it's a 'once in a lifetime opportunity'. What else can you honestly do? 😂


I laugh about it now because it's funny how consistent and vocal my mom was about me going (and by consistent I mean asking me repeatedly in every random conversation if I was going...), but when I was first asked at the start of the year by my social worker, I panicked, I was just thinking about how socially awkward and anxious I was going to be, about how no one would approach me because of how I looked or even asking myself how would I cope if a person made fun of my face? The list goes on and on.


You have to remember, for nearly a year I had been hiding in my house, away from the outside world, because I didn't want to be judged or stared at by the general public, so the thought of doing things out of my comfort zone left me in hot sweats because I didn't know what to expect, but I've learned the hard way that by hiding and missing out on opportunities as great as this, it wouldn't be healthy for me mentally.


I could have focused on those thoughts I was having and never left my house ever again. But I didn't. This was because I was not only tired of running, but I was also tired of being scared all the time.



This is why I eventually decided to go.



This is me next to the mini bus that took us to the Isle of Wright. Can you see the fear in my eyes? lol because I was honestly nervous but excited at the same time :D (and yes, this Harry Styles hat goes with me everywhere I go ;)

Rebecka & Jordan 💕🙌


Before I got that final supportive push to make me attend this trip, I had to be complicated and bother my social worker by saying, ' I'm not going on this trip until I at least know one girl who knows about my situation and is cool about it' 😂, which is how I got to meet the two most amazing, supportive, kind girls that I'd ever had the fortune of knowing.


Jordan and Rebecka.




Not many people know about this, but after weeks of speaking to both Jordan and Rebecka on FB, I asked them if I could show an unedited version of my face (no hair or anything) so that when I met them for the first time, I wouldn't be worrying too much about what they thought about how I looked like underneath all of the hair.


After they agreed and I showed them my face over the phone, I was shocked at how supportive and kind they were towards me! I honestly get really emotional talking about it, but they kept calling me beautiful, strong, saying they didn't care what I looked like and was overall just really supportive. 🤗


All I want at the end of the day is social acceptance from everybody I come across, so having them not being bothered by how I look and still was there with me 100% throughout the trip? It was an amazing feeling for a person like me 😁👏🏾 and I will forever be thankful for that.



My crew ⛵




After the long and excruciating journey getting to the isle of wright was over, I finally arrived and met my cabin crew. Thankfully, Jordan and I were on the same boat and in the same cabin so I didn't have the awkwardness of bunking with someone who I didn't get on with 😬, but that still meant I had to share a boat with the crew and these two other guys that I didn't know, so I was feeling a bit anxious.


I don't remember much of our first sailing day (maybe it's because my mind is subconsciously trying to block something out), but what I do remember is the feeling of embarrassment and shame.


The wind on our first sailing journey, which was really powerful that day, was so strong that it blew away the hair that normally covered the right side of my face and exposed my cheek completely.


I panicked, and then quickly escaped downstairs into the cabin and never even participated in the sailing at all, this made me feel really mad and frustrated with myself; I realized yet again that I was running away from my fears and in the process, I was missing out on something that I looked forward to doing all day!


I was so embarrassed that everyone had seen how unusual my cheek was, that I didn't even feel like showing my face again.


It wasn't until we had a heart to heart in the evening after dinner, and when literally everyone's heart was on the table, was when I told everyone about my fears and worries. I told them things I've not even told my close family members about. I told them how ugly I sometimes feel, how I felt frustrated with myself because I wanted to sail, I was still traumatized from my intense operation last year, but how happy I felt when I showed my face to the girls over FB and how non-judgmental they were.


Everything just came pouring out.


Nearly everyone around the table was teary-eyed, and I got lodes of hugs and reassurances that they didn't care what I looked like and that I they thought I was strong and brave to come on this trip regardless of what my worries were, and I just knew that when they said that, I felt a lot more comfortable being around them than I ever did before.


Our Captain then said to me that he wants my goal for the next day to have a try at steering the wheel of the boat and not care if the wind blows the hair out of my face or not. The Captain, as did the whole group, had agreed on that table that no one will judge and no one would say anything if my face was exposed and he just ultimately wanted me to have fun, enjoy myself and get as much out of the trip as I possibly can.

Which was exactly what I did



Not many people know how much importance this picture holds in my heart, but it holds a great lot. The picture above shows the old Crystal. This Crystal is free, doesn't have the hair in her face, feels confident with the people that she is with and doesn't feel out of her comfort zone at all. I will never forget how happy I felt that day. It was seriously a magical moment . ✨✨

All of us had a great heart to heart that first night on the boat, we all learned more about our cancer stories and we all were a shoulder to cry on whenever any of us got emotional . I will never forget how close we all got during that moment. It was honestly one of those moments that impact you so much that you'd never forget it.



Rapping it up 🙌😁



But yeah, steering it away from the heavy stuff for a second 😂. I enjoyed this trip because not only did I learn great sailing techniques! , but when we had the fun game nights, conversations full of pure banter, a BBQ on the beach, fresh fish and chips, fishing, a trip to the park. playing rounders, a speedboat, a trip to the mainland and even a boat vs boat water fight. This made for a really interesting and fun summer that I will never forget!


I believe that by going on this trip, especially for a person like me, was a very therapeutic experience. I not only grew as a person, but I was accepted by the young people, staff and everyone involved over something that I was embarrassed about and for that fact alone, I would 100% recommend this trip to any past cancer patient I come across because if it would help a person like me, with the situation and cancer I'd had, imagine what it could do for other people.



( Swipe right to see the remaining photos I took on this trip) ⛵🌊



Before I end this post, I would like to take this moment to give certain people I'd met on this trip special thanks 😁.


. Ellen McArthur (the lady of the hour) -


Thank you so much for creating such a positive and amazing three-day sailing trip for young people dealing with cancer across the UK. This trip has made me heal and grow as a person, and for that, I will be forever grateful. So thank you 💖.


. Rich ( Captain)


Thank you so much for pulling the old Crystal out from her shell! Hope this isn't too creepy to say 😂 but you were honestly like a father figure to me. You never let me go in on myself and you always made sure I was involved and that I had an enjoyable experience. I will forever be thankful for you introducing me to, Ellen McArthur personally and I will take what you have taught me for life. Thank you 😁.


. My Crew -


Thank you all so much for not judging me, being kind to me and for just treating me like you would any normal person. I know this may sound weird in me saying, but thank you for looking me in the eyes when you talked to me. I can't begin to tell you how many people I've come across who can't even look me in the eyes for that long because I look different, but thank you for not being one of those people. I appreciate each and every one of you and I will forever be grateful 😁.


(And because I can't cook thank you, Alejandro, for making our food nearly every single day. God bless you 🤣).


. Jordan & Rebekah ,


You two were just amazing, loving and so kind and sweet to me during all of this! 💖💖 Thank you for sticking by me when I needed you, thank you for being there when I needed to vent and just thanks for being really good friends! You two are amazing and I really appreciate you both 😁.


Overall, to all of the young people involved and to all of the staff and volunteers that were there too 😁 thank you all so much for making this experience even more special and comfortable for me. Everyone was so very supportive and I am very appreciative of you all because of that.


So thank you! 🎆👏🏾✨💖💖


- Crystal


Please send an donation to the Ellen MacArthur Cancer Trust, if you can, so it can help more young people find their confidence and find the joy of sailing 😁


https://www.ellenmacarthurcancertrust.org/donate/







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