In October 2018, I was asked to take part in Clic Sargent annual music tour (remember that music residential I did last summer? yeah, that same one 🤗) The tour helped with my confidence, independence and allowed me to grow and mature as a person. Here is what I did 😁#music #clicsargentmusictour #clicsargent
Tour Day 1+2: Manchester 🎼
I decided to join the tour later than everybody else because I didn't feel confident enough to attend the first Newcastle tour date. I promised Phil (the tour manager) that I would join the group in Manchester, Bristol and Exeter because I didn’t want to feel like I was missing out on such a great opportunity. I was already aware of the environment I was getting myself into before I started this tour because I had already met a few people from the music residential, but I still felt nervous attending because I felt like I was walking in and intruding on something already well established. Thankfully, everyone greeted me with open arms (they even praised the blog that your reading now 😉) and I felt completely comfortable and accepted straight away.
The next two days consisted of rehearsals at Bridgewater Hall, fundraising for Clic Sargent and meeting the mayors who supported the Clic charity. It was a busy few days, but I enjoyed every second of it.
The songs we preformed at the annual Christmas concert were Don't Stop by Fleetwood Mac and Don't Dream it's Over by John Lennon and Yoko Ono.
In rehearsals I didn’t feel that nervous about performing on stage, in fact, I was excited to perform but when I saw how big the hall was and how many seats would be filled, that's when I started to panic. I already knew beforehand that the place we were performing in was going to be big, but I wasn't aware of HOW big and all of these negative thoughts started to rush through my brain, what if I forgot a lyric? what if I couldn't handle seeing so many people looking at me? What if I completely froze?😫 . I suddenly started to lose my nerve as well as confidence but luckily when I told Alastair about what I was feeling (the same guy who checked up on me at the music residential when I had a nervous breakdown) that’s when I started to feel a lot better. 😊
I felt so lucky to have Alastair on this trip because whenever I had any problems or issues he was always the sort of guy to be there to give me advice and encouragement.
Manchester Tour Dates Pictures/Videos 🎤🎹
I had so much fun singing these songs and preforming on stage that each time I came off, I felt so exhilarated and happy that it still feels like a dream! Here is a video of our performance:
War is Over by John Lennon and Yoko Ono
I'm not going to lie, it was absolutely nerve wracking having to be one of the first person to sing 😂 but thankfully I didn't forget any words and the performance became a lot more easier after that.
Don't Stop by Fleetwood Mac
I felt a lot more free singing this song and I think it was because it was so upbeat and fun to preform. 😁
Backstage⭐
Here is a picture of all of us meeting the Mayor’s:
The VIP reception included all the local dignitaries in the city of Manchester. For example, mayor’s, mayoresses, vice mayors, the bishop of Manchester, the chief constable of the greater Manch police, judiciary officers and overall, people who help endorse the Clic Christmas concert – talking to them not only helped raise awareness for the cancer in young people but it also expressed how much Clic Sargent helps young people in a positive and effective way.
🎶Reunited🎶
If you already had the pleasure of reading my 'Clic Sargent Music Residential' post, you may already know of a very talented and amazing guy called Matt. He was the mentor who gave me the confidence to sing in front of an audience for the first time in years and was one of the reasons why I agreed to do this tour. I luckily got to meet him again for the Manchester tour date and it felt so rewarding for him to see me onstage and grow in confidence, because it showed how much I’d improved since the beginning.
I even had the courage to do something I was too afraid to do on the last day of the music residential, which was to finally ask to have a selfie with him! I know others may find that not to be much of a big deal, but for me it was massive because seeing as around the time I met him I didn't like taking pictures and I was too self-conscious about my face that a selfie (which I saw all the other young people do with the mentors),meant that I didn’t even bother asking for a picture, however, because I had grown a lot since then and I've become more comfortable in my own skin, I decided to ask for that picture and I’m so glad that I did it. 😁
Tour Day 3+4 - Bristol 🎼
By this point, I felt like an absolute rock star😂. The fears that I had at the start of the tour went away once Manchester was a huge success and because I began to feel a lot more comfortable with the people around me, I was starting to have a lot more fun!
Our next stop was Bristol, which consisted of performing in front of the Clic Sargent staff workers and NHS health care nurses at a conference.
I was really glad that for Bristol we were able to add more songs onto our setlist because it allowed us to have a lot more fun, but the song that really stuck out to me the most was, 'My Souls Awake' by Steven Hughes. Steven, was a talented young musician who was meant to come on the music residential last summer but sadly passed away due to cancer. His parents luckily found this amazing song that he wrote and asked us to sing it on the tour.
I can't speak for anyone else, but I do know that when I sang this song, it got me in an emotional/reflective mindset because it further reminded me why we were doing this music tour in the first place. The tour was created so that people could see how the music program helped young people like me and others around the country build their confidence after cancer. The life of a cancer patient is a hard and unpredictable one, but if we could reach people through music and get them to donate so that they could help fund an amazing program like the Clic Sargent music program, then with whatever happens in the future, people can get involved and help more people funding this great opportunity.
Here is our first ever rehearsal of the song 'My Soul Awake'.
This rehearsal was very quiet and intimate which worked well for a song like this because I was able to feel every emotion of the song this way.
Dueting with my partner in crime 🎤🙆🏾♀️🙅🏻♂️
Before the tour started, our tour manager Phil asked each one of us to pick a song that we would like to perform. It was already stated that not every song was going to be chosen, but I really wanted to get the chance to sing a solo because I wanted to continue pushing myself to work outside of my comfort zone. I already knew that everybody wanted me to sing ‘Girl Crush’ again as I already did at the music residential, but I wanted to pick a song that was more inspiring, uplifting and really summed up my personal experience with my cancer.
That's when I realised that The Climb by Miley Cyrus was the perfect choice.
Miley Cyrus has always been the person I've looked up to since I was eight years old and has always continued being a confident, caring and inspiring person. I heard The Climb for the first time in 2009 when I was bullied at school, and it changed the way I looked at things forever. I have always been aware by how powerful and honest the lyrics to the song were because it told a story of a person knowing the time it took to reach a goal but still felt it worth, no matter what obstacle, to go for it.
The Climb relates to me now than ever because of the hard but rewarding journey I've been on. I fought my case so hard on why I think this song should be on the tour and luckily it worked because it eventually got approved😁. I was ecstatic!
After this, Phil then asked if I was okay with the song being changed into a duet and make Alastair and I sing it together instead. At first I was a bit unsure about this because I had it set in my mind that I wanted to do a solo, but when I started thinking about it in more detail and realised that by singing it as a duet it would allow the song to become more powerful because it showed the unity between two people who had been through cancer and come out stronger because of it, I eventually agreed.
And the other main reason was because I knew that singing with Alastair would be a lot of fun and I was just excited to perform with him! 😉💓
This is our first ever rehearsal singing the song together.
I was extra nervous singing it here because not only do I hate intimate rehearsals like this where people can hear every note, but Matt was also there and seeing as he is such great vocalist, I just found it awkward singing in front of him 😂but I got over it in the end and it went great! I knew from then on that dueting with Alastair was the best choice I ever made because he put me at ease.
I personally decided to sing the first verse of 'The Climb' because the lyrics resonated with me a lot more. The line 'I can almost see it, that dream I'm dreaming' was me envisioning myself after cancer/after I have all my operations and looking forward to having a new and better life. I have always been a big believer in thinking if you visualise a goal and work hard towards it then it will come true, so I just knew in my heart that I had to sing that first verse because I connected with it personally.😊
My speech 📖
Phil asked before each of our individual songs, to create a small speech telling the audience what that song means to us and why we chose it. This was my speech,
- Hey Everyone, My name is Crystal and in 2016 I was diagnosed with a rare maxi-facial osteosarcoma in my right cheek bone.
Because my tumor was so visable and it left me to loose half of my cheek, I didn't feel comfortable leaving my house or engaging with anybody.
The hardest moment of my journey wasn't having chemotherapy, but it was when I was recovering from my operation and a little boy saw my face and ran away crying because of how my face looked. I can't begin to tell you how hideous I felt in that moment. I was honestly heart broken.
Every look, every stare and every whisper I got tore another peice of myself.
I felt like an outcast, an outsider and I felt like I was all alone.
It wasn't until I had the confidence to take part in Clic Sargent music residential that I finally felt like I could breathe again. I wasn't judged for what I looked like, everyone was so kind, and we just created and sang some amazing music that I will forever be greatful for.
Even though I'm aware that my journey is far from over because i still need to have various facial reconstruction operations in the future. I am confident when I say I'm more stronger and optimistic then I once was before because I believe that things can only get better from here.
Today I'm going to sing you a song called The Climb by Miley Cyrus with my good friend Alastair. This song means a lot to me because whenever I lost hope thinking that my tumor was going to take over my whole face, That I would never see out of my right eye again, that I would never smile again, this song inspired me to keep going. I want to share it's message with you - that there is hope even in the darkest of places -
I absolutely felt petrified when Phil asked me to do a speech because it left me feeling exposed to a lot of things. I have always been a type of person that hates getting sympathy, but I realised that I needed to be real and honest in this speech because I knew that it would not only help myself heal but could hopefully be inspiring to others as well. At the end of the day, regardless of how nervous I was doing this speech, I felt so elated and happy when I finished because, for the first time in a long time, I felt that people knew the real Crystal and I didn't have to sugar-coat any hard truths. 💓
Pictures from my time in Bristol❤
Ever since my diagnosis, Clic Sargent has continued to support me during and after treatment. In both Birmingham and London, where I had chemotherapy and operations, the workers involved in Clic Sargent have continued to show support, kindness and allowed my journey to become more bearable, combined with the NHS nurses, both of these team of people have given me a chance to heal a lot quicker than I thought possible. It was a privilege to meet them in person to explain how much they all meant to me and my journey and I’m happy I was given the chance to perform for them.
Swipe right -
Final Tour Date - Exeter 🎼
Doing something I never thought I would do - Travel Alone 😬
At the start of the tour I told Phil that I would never travel by myself because I didn't feel confident travelling alone, this is the reason why in Manchester my mom came with me for tech rehearsals and in addition, plans were put in place for Jordan to travel with me from Birmingham to Exeter because the thought of getting on a train by myself terrified me, however, because Jordan got her train times mixed up, this meant that for the first time in over three years I was going to take public transport by myself! 😧
I honestly didn’t know what to feel.
The journey from Birmingham to Exeter is three hours long, so I was aware how long the journey would take. For the first half of my journey, I was very nervous, but I found that after I become a lot more comfortable in my surroundings and discovered that no one was staring at me, that's when the fear quickly passed. I will forever be thankful that my mom and the Clic Sargent social worker checked in on me and made sure I was fine travelling on my own and in a weird way I am also thankful that Jordan missed her train, because if she didn't I would have never known I had the courage inside of me to be able to do something like this. 😊
I don’t know whether it’s because I’ve gained so much confidence doing the music tour or what, but I have discovered a new found independence whilst doing this and it made me happy knowing that I’d overcame a fear.
Finally, after I made it to Exeter in one piece and was ready to perform at the Exeter Cathedral, even though I was super excited to go back on tour, just hearing the word 'Cathedral" and seeing how big it was in person got me a bit nervous .Yes, I was already aware that I had sung in front of a large crowd before in Manchester, but this was different. The Exeter Cathedral was a lot bigger in scale and holds a lot more people then the hall we performed in Manchester and everything just became really daunting (again) 😂. Thankfully, I decided not to dwell on it too much and instead started to focus more on enjoying the experience of being in Exeter for the first time. It helped when before the show all of us went to a nice pub where we ate, played darts, pool and listened to music and got more immersed into the town because this was a beneficial way to calm nerves.
Last performance 🎶😥
It was the last show of the tour and it was very sad because this was the last show we were ever going to do together. I will never forget how much I've grown during this tour, as a person and pre-treatment , because this has made me heal in more ways than one. I will forever be grateful to the people who saw beyond my facial difference and helped me feel accepted in a group because it allowed me to grow as a person and find the confidence within myself. I would be lying if I said I didn't have a moment when I didn't feel like I fit in, but the people who made me feel welcome and a part of the group overshadowed any negative moments and made the experience a thousand times better. 😁😊
Insight -
I would also like to point out that when our group went onstage to sing our first song, there were a couple of people in the front row staring at me in a confused way that could have been misinterpreted as something negative (probably because of how I looked or the hair was hiding my face I'm not sure) but I later discovered that as soon as I did my speech and explained why I hid my face and that I had facial cancer, the same people who stared at me, started to smile and give encouragement. I find this to be interesting because it showed that when I gave people more of a backstory about my difference, they not only warmed up to me but also become a lot more understanding because they were more educated on the subject. I became a lot more confident throughout the whole performance after that.
I am fully aware that people with a visible difference can't go up to every person and explain why they look the way they do to stop some judgemental stares (god how I wish that was easy), but I'm just glad in my case that I witnessed something like that because it was interesting to experience.
These are the video performances of our Exeter show🎤🎵
This was the final show of the whole tour and we put our all into each song because we know this was the last time we would do it. It was a bittersweet but amazing show and it was great!
This is a voice recording of my speech/the performance of 'The Climb' that I did with Alastair. I can't even begin to put into words how much I was shaking before this performance, but I got through it and it was such a relief when it was over 😂.
Speech:
Performance:
I'm kind of a perfectionist, so because my vocals were all over the place and I didn't sound as good as I wanted to be, this wasn't my favorite performance of this song. Regardless, I have no regrets singing this song whatsoever or having the confidence to do this because its made me realise how much I've achieved. 😁
Pictures inside the Exeter Cathedral ❤
Wrap it up🎸🎸
Going on this tour has been one of the best decisions I have ever made! It has given me maturity and helped me conquer fears that I’ve become a much happier person because of it. I took the train by myself; I spoke my truth in front people, I sang in front of loads of people and I even walked in public without having social anxiety. Everything has been great! I will never forget the lessons learned or how much I've achieved during this tour and I know that when I have my next operation and I am stuck in that hospital bed. I will not feel any self-hate or self-pity like I did last time, but I will feel empowered because I've done something like this and overcame many fears.😊
People I'm thankful for:
Thank you so much Phil for believing in me, pushing me and always being a person that I can confine in whenever I had any issues or problems.
Thank you Alastair doing for doing an amazing duet with me and for boosting up my confidence onstage and off, thank you Piper for putting up with me as a roommate 😂 and for being funny and caring, thanks to Tom for being a kind soul and for listening to me blabbering on about spirituality and meditation 😂😂 and thanks to Louis because seeing as we had never met before this tour, I was a bit apprehensive meeting you because I didn't know how you would react when you met me, but you have continued to be kind, funny and very accepting and for that, I am extremely thankful.
I would also like to thank the Clic Sargent support worker Kate for checking up on me that day I took the train by myself and for making sure I felt comfortable throughout this tour. Your bubbly personality and positive thinking really helped me a lot during this tour and I thank you.
Finally, thank you to the musicians, Will for leading such an amazing tour and being the comedic relief throughout, Natalie for helping us all with vocals and everybody on this tour for showing great support and unity throughout the generation of the Clic Sargent tour of 2018. I appreciate it so much and had a lot of fun.
And of course thank you to my mom for encouraging me to do this in the first place 😘 Love you so much! X
If you would like to donate to Clic Sargent and help people like me and every young person in the UK who have dealt with cancer please go here :
Your support will help fund this amazing music program to help many others like me with their confidence and save so many young people's lives. 🙏🏾😊
Thank you x
Here is a show reel of my entire music tour experience😁
Thank you for reading ❤
- Crystal.
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