At the start of the year (January 16th to be exact) I joined the Beyond Arts drama company with eight other young people that had experienced cancer, and it was an amazing experience that I would never forget.
The beginning 🕊
My Teenage Cancer Trust support worker at the time, Sarah, contacted me with news that Toby Peach (yes, the same Mr Peach that did that amazing cancer eulogy at last year FYSOT) was looking for young people to be involved in his new drama project. I was automatically onboard and quickly contacted Toby that I wanted to take part 😁.
It was mind-blowing to think I would be given a chance to work with Toby, seeing as I was too shy to speak to him at last year FYSOT because I was still battling with anxiety over my appearance, getting a chance to work with him meant I’d come full circle from the girl I was years ago and that felt great! 😁.
I, unfortunately, was unable to attend the first auditions in London as it was at such short notice so (as I always seem to do 😂) jumped to conclusions and believed that this meant that I couldn't take part, I was devastated. Thankfully, Toby and Grace decided to do a Skype interview with me instead and I was elated, this meant that I still had a shot of becoming a part of the company and show them how dedicated I was to the project.
I'm not going to lie; I did lay it on a bit thick in the interview by practically begging for a chance to be involved😂 but I was willing to anything to be given the opportunity to act on stage again, even if that meant embarrassing myself. 😂
I was aware that by travelling two hours to get to London would be hard at first, but the reward for me was more important than the time it took to get there 😁, and I was content with what I had to do in order to gain this opportunity.
First Day 😳❤
I was so nervous before my first rehearsal, I had to beg my mom to come with me because I didn't want to go alone. It wasn't all bad though, because as we did introductions, played some games and got to know each other a bit better 😊. I even got to create and perform a devised drama piece with Toby himself! It was the highlight of the first day!
The activities on the first day included a lot of touching and eye contact, which was a whole new experience for me because I wasn't used to doing that. In the past, I used to keep my head down, hood up and avoid touching or giving anyone I didn't know any sort of attention because I was embarrassed by how I looked, but suddenly in a short amount of time, I've found that by doing all those things it wasn't as bad as I made it out to be, in fact, I enjoyed myself! I'm not going to lie and say it wasn't hard, but the more times I did it, the more comfortable I felt.
Maggies Centre - Rehearsal Space ⭐🍂
The Maggies Centre is a safe place for cancer patients to spend time away from the hospital and instead spend some quality time having tea, coffee and doing various activities. I'm so grateful that we were lucky enough to have a safe and comforting place to rehearse and talk about our feelings because it made it a lot easier to build close relationships throughout our journey - and I did thoroughly having a place as great as this to come to each week 😁
Rehearsals 🎭:
I strongly believe that the rehearsal process was the best part of the entire project. I not only got to build close friendships, but I felt safe in my environment.
My favourite part of rehearsals was when we were given the freedom to explore and talk about our cancer experiences by doing various drama activities. One week we created movement pieces, the next week we did improvisation, the other week we sat down and created collages on what we thought life would be like after treatment, the following week we created drama sketches, more playing games (there were A LOT of games 😂😂) and we even got to create our own activities that we had to teach to the group during one week. It was fun!
Throughout this rehearsal process, I was constantly pushing myself in doing loads of things I had never done pre-treatment and operation, and I loved every second of it. I desperately wanted to bring back the Crystal I was three years ago, so I knew if I refused to do some of these activities, it would mean I was taking a hundred steps back which I didn't want.
The activity that tested me the most was when I had to lead my activity and teach it to the rest of the group. I already had an idea in my head about what I wanted to do, but the thought of being the centre of attention was petrifying. Thankfully, I overcame my fear, remembered my affirmations so I didn't psych myself out and it all went as a success! Moral of the story is even though I didn't want to do it at the beginning, I knew in my heart that both myself and the group would benefit from the activity 😁💖.
Each activity that we created was to eventually be added to the play. We all had to create an activity that enabled every one of us to explore what treatment was like for us, how we felt afterwards and if we made drastic changes in our lives or not. I, unfortunately, can't remember what activity I did 😂 - but let's just say it was awesome. 👍🏾
Rehearsal Spaces ⭐
I can now say with complete awe that I have rehearsed at the Royal Court, Platform and the Battersea Arts Center which coming from a small town just outside Birmingham and also having a visible difference is a great thing to experience. I never believed that life would gift me this opportunity - but I'm glad that it did.
My Favourite Part of Rehearsals - Overcoming Fears 😁🌠 :
I had never acted since my diagnosis, and ever since my operation, I had no plans to perform again, however, when we were given this activity where we had to do a solo improvisation performance, I knew this was my chance to show everybody what I could do. I was so nervous before this task because I was afraid that after so many years, I might have lost my acting ability - but those worries were only fleeting because when I performed to the group they looked entertained and impressed by my performance!😁It gave me a massive confidence boost.
I have always praised for my acting ability, but ever since the operation affected my speech and my facial expressions, it's been hard to find the confidence to act on stage again, let alone performing by myself, I'm so grateful Toby and Grace gave me the chance to do this task because it allowed me to regain that self-belief in myself and have the drive to continue acting in the future.😁😍
My Life Coach – Meet Emily Hodge 👱🏻♀️💖📖
In the beginning, Toby and Grace made it clear that if we were to ever need it, Emily Hodge would be able to give us free life coach sessions throughout the rehearsal process😊, and her sessions were honestly the best thing to of ever happened for my mental health
Before I started Emily sessions, my anxiety and opinion of myself were okay, but it wasn't as strong as I wanted it to be. I started Emily sessions to become more accepting of myself, regain the confidence I'd lost, feel more comfortable onstage and ultimately, live the life I would be proud to live. I told Emily this in detail, and together we worked extremely hard in building up my self-esteem 😁💖 The sessions involved talking about what I've achieved during the week, where I could see myself in the next few months and what activities could I use to overcome my insecurities. I told Emily that I wanted to feel more beautiful and accepting of my face, to finally have the confidence to walk in my favourite hiking park again and to be able to become a happier person, so, she advised me to write positive affirmations I am beautiful, I am strong and I am amazing on post-it notes to stick around my room, she also suggested drawing a life wheel each week so that I could better access which areas of my life I needed to improve, and then motivated me to ask a friend to go for a walk in my favourite park so that I didn't feel alone. 💕💕💕
She also helped me by giving me advice on how to better connect with the people in the group, how to overcome my social anxiety and strengthening my belief in my acting skills <3.
I'm so grateful to Emily because not only did she listen to my worries without any judgement or pity, she inspired me with great encouragement to do my best and achieve anything I set my mind to. I didn't know the difference between a life coach and a councillor before working with Emily, but now I realise a councillor is there to help heal past trauma whereas a life coach is there to give you the tools to improve your life in the best way 😁. I 100% recommend speaking to a life coach and councillor at the same time because, like me, it helped me grow a lot in such a short amount of time - you will see a difference!💖💖
I also recommend having an awesome person like Emily Hodge as a life coach. If your interested here is her website: https://www.coachingemily.com/ email her to learn more about how she can help you <3 her sessions are normally skype calls.
Photoshoot – Promo! Promo! Promo! 📸📸
The photoshoot hands down had to be the best part of this whole process because I just felt so comfortable throughout. I never in a million years would have imagined I would do a photoshoot pre facial reconstruction, but I did, and I'm so glad because they turned out great!
Bethan Mooney is a photographer that has done amazing work for some cancer-based charities over the years, we were fortunate enough to have her photograph our promotional posters for the play because they turned out amazing!
Outtakes - taken by Bethan Mooney 🎇
The play is about our cancer experiences and what, 'Looking Forward' means to us. That is why Toby and Grace came up with the concept of being very tongue and cheek with making us wear hospital gowns. I find it funny now to wear a hospital gown without getting too emotional because I believe that enough time has passed for me not to get attached by the memory of being in a hospital. I am not in no way saying that this means I'm 'over' and 'healed' from those memories, but I think these promotional pictures not only showcases what the play might be about to the audience but also shows that we don't mind having fun with it - albeit it is a serious topic.
Our poster 🎭
Do you know what the first thing I did when I saw this poster for the play? I sent it to my drama teacher from college and my good friend from that same college with the biggest grin on my face I could muster. I sent it to them because all throughout my college experience they always were my number one supporter’s and had high hopes for me becoming a big actor. Of course, cancer and operations kept that dream on hold for a bit but surprisingly to me and them I was able to still create a play, act and perform on a London stage regardless of what I looked like 😁.
No one could have predicted this, and I don't even think I even realised how big this was until I saw the poster 🥰. It was a magical moment that made me think, 'If I can achieve this? then what else can I achieve?'.
A Bump in the Road...is it good or is it bad? 🤷🏾♀️
I'm not going to spend too much time talking about this so I'm going to be as quick as possible, but basically, there was a high chance that I wouldn't be able to do the show (the show I worked on for months) because I was going to have a random last-minute operation. It's kind of funny when you think about it because imagine hoping and wishing for a whole year to have an operation because you weren't happy with life or your appearance but you started to feel sick of waiting and decided to do what you loved, to then have the thing you desperately wanted in the past but no longer wanted now to suddenly pop up? (hope that made sense? 😂😂). I honestly did not want that operation and it shocked me because in 2018 that was everything I thought about.
The Looking Forward Project and working backstage at Greenwood Academy had reignited my love for theatre and performing arts, and I did not want to lose it just because of this situation. Thankfully, (depends on which version of Crystal Marshall you talk to) I didn't have that operation and I was able to do the play, I was cut out from a large section of the play because they thought I wouldn't be able to make it, but I was in the play regardless, and I'm so thankful.
Showtime⭐🎭
The day finally came where it was time to show our family, friends and the audience what we had created these past few months and even though it was scary, I wouldn't have done it any other way because it quickly became one of the best shows I've been a part of in my life.
The play involved monologues that myself and the company had devised and created ourselves, my monologue was titled, 'My New Normal' which explored all the things I do to build up the confidence to leave the house. Toby and I wanted to create something that seemed normal at first like, brush teeth, wash, have breakfast (things that every person does in the morning) to then start expressing how hard it is for a person living with a visible difference to leave the house. Pre 2019 I used to have panic attacks every time I left the house. I was so concerned by other people’s opinions of my face that I had to psych myself up to go to a doctor’s appointment. I wanted the audience to learn about that side of me not for pity and for them to say, "Oh poor girl" but so they could understand and become educated in cancer not stopping when the treatment stops – so they need to be supportive, gentle and encouraging to those after treatment.
🎭🎭Overall⭐⭐
Wow, what an experience! through our blood, sweat, tears and drive to make something that would impact loads of people, we have achieved something great. I wished, hoped and prayed that I would receive an opportunity to give me the freedom to not only perform on stage but also tell my story - and thankfully the Teenage Cancer Trust and Toby and Grace allowed me to do that.
I have learned so much, grown plenty and finally felt that freedom that I had never felt before in my life 😁. I truly hope and pray that the Teenage Cancer Trust and the people reading this blog post continue to keep this company alive because it has honestly saved my life and I know it can do the same for many others as well. I know that I can never return to the old Crystal after this and even though it is scary to go into the unknown, I now can say with absolute certainty that once I conquer that fear, it is going to give birth to something even better. <33333
Special thanks 💖💖
Thank you to both Toby and Grace for giving me this amazing opportunity, for being gentle, kind and patient with me. I felt safe telling you my story and I’m so grateful that you created this company. Thank You. (Also for Ros for being awsome with travel)
Thank you, Sarah Turly thinking of me when Toby was looking for actors to become a part of this company. Without you, none of the things I’d done would have been possible so thank you!
Thank you, Lucy, for being the best big sister I didn’t even know I needed. Through a time, I didn’t like myself or how I looked, you looked past that and continued being the nice, sweet and awesome human that I had the pleasure of knowing x – thank you for your friendship.
Thank You, Dom, for your friendship as well! Your concern, love and kindness in those early weeks of this journey hadn’t gone unnoticed and (sounds silly now that I say it) I’m just so happy you singled me out in the room and talked to me instead :D truly means a lot.
Finally, thank you to all the Beyond Arts company. We truly created something special and I can’t wait to see you all again soon 💖😁
Thank you so much for reading guys! Sorry, it was so long but I just had to share this story. <3
Have a great day and I’ll see you all very soon.
- Crystal x